There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured
she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they
were in the middle of a wild, screaming, session, she turned on the
lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and
larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at
him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better
explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy.........

You explain the kids."

--
Paul-B

On 14 Jul 2006 09:58:07 GMT, "Paul-B" <paul (AT) rasf1 (DOT) net> wrote:

<snip>

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this
House is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job.
There's no way we can afford it"

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the Front door
with a suitcase. So he asked," Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him,
"I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you
were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was
coming too. And, I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a
$280,000 mortgage & no bike!

--

Regards, Frank

Da Frank wrote:

LOL!

Slow day today (trying to get my VATY returns up to date) so a redneck
joke might be in order...

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911
operator told Bubba that she would send someone out
right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said,
"How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you
pick her up there?"

--
Paul-B

On 14 Jul 2006 10:58:14 GMT, "Paul-B" <paul (AT) rasf1 (DOT) net> wrote:


Ok, one more to follow on the death theme.

A guy dies and his wife rings up the undertakers to arrange the usual
things for the funeral. A couple of days later she gets the call that
she should come in and look to make sure everything is to her liking.
She goes and there he is lying in a nice coffin, looking good and
ready to be taken to the next step of the journey.
This is when she realises that he is wearing a black suit.
She cries out - "Oh i forgot, he always wanted to be buried in a blue
suit ! Is it possible to change it ?" The undertaker says "I'm sorry,
but we're a bit short on suits at the moment and the only colour we
have is black, but i'll see what we can do"
She thanks him and leaves.

Funeral day comes and the undertaker shows her the body one more time,
smiling as she happily realises that her husband is dressed in a nice
blue suit.

The undertaker says :
"It was just sheer luck that yesterday another lady said that her
husband who passed away wearing a blue suit, wanted to be buried in a
black one and..."
"Oh that makes me so happy to be able to give him what he wanted" -
interrupts the widow - "I can not be thankful enough to you and that
lady".
"Oh that's fine" - says the undertaker - " once we had that body with
the blue suit, it was just a matter of swapping the heads"

--

Regards, Frank

An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really
bad day. Bored in his history lesson, he gets up and walks out. Walking
down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him
and he pulls a knife out and stabs him.

He runs out of the school. As he gets outside, he thinks again "I hate
school" and pulls his knife out and stabs the inflatable school. He runs
off to his inflatable home.

Two hours later, his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable
bedroom door with the inflatable police. Panicking, inflatable boy pulls
out the knife and stabs himself.

Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and sees
the inflatable headmaster in the inflatable bed next to him. Shaking his
deflated head, more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely
intones:
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"You've let me down; you've let the school down, but worst of all,
you've let yourself down"
--
Peter

Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them
collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He
gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down,
I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then
a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK, now what?'
--
Peter

"peter" <scoular (AT) blackhole (DOT) do-not-spam.me.uk> wrote

A researcher was asking couples about their preferred method of
contraception. One couple, the lady said "the biscuit tin method".

The researcher said she'd never heard of that one and asks them to explain.
The lady says "As you can see, I'm several inches taller than my husband. We
like to make love standing up, so he has to stand on a biscuit tin in order
to reach. When I see the gleam come in his eye, I kick the tin out from
under him"

Steve

On Fri, 14 Jul 2006 13:33:50 GMT, peter
<scoular (AT) blackhole (DOT) do-not-spam.me.uk> wrote:


Two hunters out in the southwest, one stops to take a leak, unaware
that the dirt bank he was next to had a rattlesnake lying on a ledge
which promptly bites the end of his penis. His buddy takes out his
cell phone and dials poison control for advice. He listens for a few
moments and hangs up. His stricken friend says; "Did they tell you
what to do" His buddy nods in the affirmative. "Well, what did they
say?"

His friend thinks for a moment and says; "They said you're going to
die."

Bill Smith

"Bill Smith" <quandary (AT) newsguy (DOT) com> wrote

How did the constipated mathematician work out the problem?
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With a pencil.

MW