OLSON: The IRL's Field of Dreams
Written by: Jeff Olson, RACER Magazine Indianapolis, Ind. - 12/3/2006
Apparently I've become the expert on All Things Iowa, a truth
revealed only after news leaked that the IRL will race at Iowa Speedway
next year, thereby setting a pre-race record for most livestock ever to
hear an IndyCar race in one sitting. Or standing, depending on the
nature of the livestock. Even before the news of the Iowa Corn Indy 250
became official, racers were asking me the important Iowa questions.
Where do we stay? Where do we dine? Where do we find designer overalls?
Yes, as much as I've tried to cover it up with clean shoes and
regular bathing, the truth has surfaced: Iowa is my home state. After I
moved to Indianapolis four years ago, the certainty of my roots
surfaced gradually. A seed-corn cap here, a pitchfork there, and
suddenly everyone knows you're actually a pig farmer from Bugtussle.
With this in mind and a notebook filled with anxious questions about
Iowa, I set out to do some research during my annual trip home for
Thanksgiving. Here, then, are the answers to drivers' questions about
my home state.
Q. Can we move to Iowa?
A. No. We're emphatic about this. Ever since Kevin Costner filmed
"Field of Dreams" on a farm outside of Dyersville, we've been
watching outsiders migrate to a baseball diamond in a cornfield
expecting to see the ghost of Shoeless Joe Jackson. Quietly, we're
unnerved by it. We're concerned that word will get out about our
little windswept nirvana with its baseball-playing ghosts, and New
Yorkers will decide to relocate, turning Iowa into a swampless,
thongless Florida. Is this heaven? No. Go away.
Q. Why are Iowans, of all people, the first to choose our presidential
candidates?
A. We don't know. True, the Iowa Caucuses are responsible for the
early leaders in the presidential race every four years, but we have no
idea why we have that responsibility, nor do we really want it. We gave
you George W. Bush, a clear indication that we don't want this chore
anymore. We also gave you George McGovern, Walter Mondale and Gary
Hart. This isn't a political decision. It's a cry for help.
Q. What's up with all the corn?
A. It's our buffalo. Every piece of the plant is used for sustenance.
We eat it, we fuel our vehicles with it, we burn it to stay warm, we
make big piles of it and play in it, and some of us have even been
known to smoke it. I have a cousin who makes art from corn. Seriously.
Little still-life pictures of flowers and apples made from kernels and
glue. And, once upon a time in the days before plumbing and the Sears &
Roebuck catalog, corn cobs served a useful purpose. I won't go there.
Q. Is everyone in Iowa as dour and humorless as that couple in the
Grant Wood painting?
A. Believe it or not, we're funny. Not weird funny, but ha-ha funny.
We can tell a joke and we can take one. Here are some of our favorites:
How do you know you're an Iowan? Your local Dairy Queen is closed
from November to March. Why do they use artificial turf in Iowa
stadiums? To keep the cheerleaders from grazing. How do you know
you're staying in an Iowa hotel? When you call the front desk and
say, "I've got a leak in the sink," and they say, "Go ahead."
See? We're a hoot.
Q. Do you drive tractors inside the city limits?
A. Only on Drive Your Tractor to Work Day.
Q. Are Iowans really polite to a fault?
A. Well, we do have manners. We say please and thank you. We open doors
for others. We use our turn signals (usually) and we don't share our
cell-phone conversations with the entire room. We don't talk with a
mouthful of food, and we don't interrupt. Only through extensive
travel did I come to understand those behaviors are considered strange.
Q. Do you have crime in Iowa?
A. No. Unless you count outhouse-tipping, which technically is a sport,
not a crime.
Q. Where should we eat?
A. I know a restaurant that serves a pork chop the size of a brick, a
bushel of mashed potatoes, a pound of sweet corn and a slice of apple
pie -- all for $5.99. The coffee is strong and the waitresses are
friendly. I'm not telling you where it is.
Q. Is Kelso really from Iowa?
A. Yes, Ashton Kutcher is an Iowan. He was a biochemical engineering
major at the University of Iowa before Hollywood found him. I did not
make that up. Likewise, John Wayne was born in Iowa. We also like to
take credit for Beaver Cleaver, Frodo Baggins and Tiny Tim. We claim
Fred (but not Ethel) and Ronnie (but not Nancy). We've given you
Herbert Hoover and Tom Arnold. Please forgive us. But we also gave you
Johnny Carson, so we're even.
Q. Should we fly or drive to the race?
A. Take the advice of Buddy Holly and Rocky Marciano. Drive. Iowa is
the landlocked Bermuda Triangle, where small planes are drawn to
cornfields like pigs to slop. However, if you drive, be aware that
every Iowan has hit a deer with a vehicle more than once, if only
because there are more of them than us. Don't be surprised if we
choose a deer for president someday.
Q. Any unusual laws that might affect us?
A. In Iowa, men with a mustaches are not allowed to kiss women in
public, but there's no law stopping mustachioed women from kissing
anything they like, so be careful at those autograph sessions. Also,
one-armed piano players must perform for free. Not making this up. I
swear.
Q. What's the new speedway like?
A. Fantastic. If Iowans know one thing, we know how to build roads.
This one, if you'll excuse the bragging, is lovely. Credit Stan and
Larry Clement for doing it right, from hiring Rusty Wallace as point
man to applying state-of-the-art technology like the geofoam
construction over the infield tunnel and cameras embedded in the racing
surface. Did you know this is the first track built with the SAFER
barrier as part of the original structure, not as a retrofit? Think of
seventh-eighths-mile Iowa Speedway as Richmond on steroids. And trust
me when I tell you local fans will go wild. Most IRL markets are
lukewarm to the race or have competing events. You will be the only
show in town on June 24. It's not hunting season or Drive Your
Tractor to Work Day or Ashton Kutcher's birthday.
We'll be there. All 14 of us. And possibly a few deer with political
aspirations.
http://www.speedtv.com/commentary/34267/ 
Iowa Corn Indy 250: Where do we find designer overalls? -
12-04-2006
, 06:11 AM
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